My Spiraling Journey From Fat to Thin...Again

Fat Ass & the Skinny Bitch

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 21:36:31 GMT

I've been pretty busy with the kids this past week. Everyone is getting sick again, and I've fallen off the wagon big time and went right back to eating. The funny thing? I actually LOST 2 lbs any way, go figure.

Sunday my friend, the one who's had 4 kids and still looks like Nicole Richie?, came over. There I was sitting on the couch with my husband stuffing my face with popcorn and watching a movie. She comes in, all 5'6" of her and she has gotten so damn THIN I just wanted to pop her. I asked, "What the hell have you done to get so thin? Quit eating completely?" She said, "No, I eat lots. I'm down to 103 lbs now. I had gotten down to 99 lbs and I was like 'What the hell is going on?' But now I'm back to 103 lbs. I don't know, I eat all the time but I'm still losing weight."

Ugh, talk about wanting to go puke your guts up. Her stomach is so damn flat it looks like a board and I bet her waist is like 20" around now. I just don't want to ever eat again, but of course I've been eating non stop. I keep thinking that maybe if I start exercising but I did that back after I had my first child and kept it up 4 times a week, 1 1/2 hours each day for over 4 months and I did not lose one single pound and I was eating even less back then then what I do now. I'm just a hopeless fat ass.

Weakness

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 16:05:13 GMT

Yesterday was not a good day. I did fine all day, but I made stew for dinner and I wound up eating about a cup and half of the tomatoe juice off the soup with 4 crackers. I also ate donuts during the night, but I did not eat them all at one time. I ate the 4 in the pack over the course of the night, so hopefully it won't show up on my hips. I weighed myself this morning and I'm still stuck at 120 lbs, but I'm gonna have to start exercising today. My stomach has stopped feeling so hungry and just kinda hurts now, but I'm hopeful. Tomorrow will be a bad day since I have to take lunch to my husband, but I think I may eat a small something before I go so I won't be tempted to eat the junk food. I noticed last night that even with the little bit that I ate that it made my stomach hurt really bad, and I really wanted to go purge for like 2 hours after the fact, thinking it would make my stomach feel better. It's getting harder and harder to purge around my husband since the bathroom doesn't lock and the house we live in is kinda small and sound travels like crazy. But for now I got to go feed the kids.

Fat Weekend?

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 15:53:29 GMT

Okay, so I totally bombed it on Friday. I broke down and ate some gravy fries, half a butterscotch sundae and donuts in the middle of the night. But I was good the rest of the weekend. I ate like half a cup of burrito filling Saturday morning. You know, with eggs and sausage and cheese. That was all I had that day. I did drink like 3 margiritas that night and got tore up. Sunday I got away with eating only 1 small piece of fresh deer sausauge. Today I ate another small piece of deer sausage, but I fear I may eat more. I was able to sleep most of the weekend, but for the rest of the week I'll have to be up so it'll make not eating that much harder. My head is hurting pretty bad already and I dread knowing that it will only get worse. Here's to my fat ass and making it smaller.

Right now I'm feeling like a total failure. I weighed myself this morning and I've lost 2 lbs according to it, but I know that a person's weight flunctuates 2 to 3 lbs during the day, so I haven't really lost anything. I don't see how people go for days on end without eating. I know that I should be able to, because I use to do it without thinking, was just too busy to eat. Now food is all I obsess about, food, and how fat it's making me. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how I let myself get this fat, why didn't my husband tell me I was getting fat? He says he likes my tummy and that's all that should matter to me. But it's not. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I hate the way I have that ugly roll of fat that folds over the top of my jeans. I hate that I have to wear oversized shirts to try to hide it. I hate that I have my belly button pierced and I'm too ashamed of my body to wear super low rise jeans and a tiny shirt to show off my piercings and tattoo. I hate that I'm too tired most of the time to get off my lazy ass and exercise. And I hate that my husband keeps telling me that just starving myself won't make me lose weight. It works for others, why not me? So far, it's not.

Trying Harder

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 15:18:38 GMT

Yesterday was my mom-in-law's birthday. I ate 3 potato wedges and like 4 pieces of boneless bbq wings for lunch, around 12:30, and that's all I ate. We went out to my mum-in-laws for a small party. We had chili hot dogs and cupcakes and chips, but thankfully I got away with only eating 1 bite of a cupcake cause my husband insisted I try it. I cooked the hotdogs and then my sister-in-law insisted that my mum in law open her present before she ate. It turned out to be this really cool digital photo frame. My sis in law tried to figure it out but gave up and ate, so I took it and figured out how to use the thing. I stayed busy the whole time everyone else was eating so no one noticed that I hadn't eaten anything.

To top things off, my sister in law, who has like this "perfection" thing going on, now weighs 5 lbs less than I do, which really pisses me off. She's like my model that I go by, one of those love/hate relationships. She has a fabulous job and makes like $50k a year. Nevermind that she slept her way into the position with only a 7th grade education. She's now managed to get engaged to the guy that runs the place. She's always buying whatever she wants: clothes, shoes, cars, jewelry. I get so sick of hearing what she's bought. We're a family of 5 living on one income, and it's really hard. We are stretched so thin that some weeks we can't make the ends meet. And she goes around bragging about how much her new ring cost or how much she spent on presents for people. She also got breast implants a year ago. It's so disheartening to see someone who has always done things the "wrong" way end up with so much and me and my husband work our asses off and we don't have shit to show for it. She's went through 2 marriages, a whole bunch of failed relationships, she came from nothing and always leaves a relationship without anything, yet she comes out smelling like a rose every time. Ugh, it's disgusting.

Well last night she was talking about how the doctor was taking her off her migraine meds because she was losing too much weight. Here my fat ass sits weighing 123 and she weighs 118. I refuse to let her weigh less than me. She has everything else so the weight issue is at least gonna belong to me. Since it's Friday and I only ate one time yesterday, I feel it's a good time to start a fast. My husband will be home this weekend so I'll have help with the kids. Hopefully by the time Monday comes around I'll be over the shakes and the headaches and I'll hit that plane of just existing that comes after a few days of fasting. I know from that last stomach virus I had that you can lose a lot of weight by fasting. I didn't eat for 4 days and I had lost over 10 lbs in those 4 days, but I didn't consume -anything-, not even water in those days. I'll have to have my water to keep myself sane, lol. Wish me luck cause I'm gonna need it!

Bombed

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 15:08:04 GMT

Last night I bombed out....again. I do so good during the day, but after I cook dinner for the family I always end up eating something. Last night was no exception. I ate a BBQ pork sandwich and about a half cup of brown rice. It was around 6:30 and I went to bed some 3 hours later. I didn't even weigh myself this morning. Yesterday when I weighed I had went from 121 to 123.5. I'm afraid to see what I weigh today. And that's not even counting the powdered donuts I'm still consuming during the night. I've tried writing down every single thing that I eat and drink during the day, but that just depresses me more.

Food: the Not Quite There Kind

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:50:38 GMT

The topic of this post will be some of my own personal favorite things to eat to keep your tummy from rumbling so much. I try to find things that will trick your tummy into thinking it's getting something to eat, but that won't pack a whole bunch of calories to sabbatoge all my hard work.

Okay, I have learned that if you nibble off and on during the day, rather than actually sit down and consider it a meal, you will not get as hungry and you don't consume as much. I prefer to nibble while doing something, like writing these posts, so it takes a good half hour to finish something and by that time my stomach thinks it's full and had food.

Chicken Broth:

those little bullion cubes? Everybody who knows Ana knows those things are great little helpers. You pop you one or two of those in a few cups of water and boil, add onion salt and celery salt with pepper to give it a bit of taste, and you have only consumed 5 to 10 calories even if you drink the whole pot. I put mine in a mug and sip it like it were coffee.

Fruits and Veggies:

Yes, eating these things raw will fill you up and won't pack a lot of calories, but it defeats the purpose. The whole point behind being BFF with Ana is to learn to do withOUT food. You will retrain your tummy to be full with only a few ounces of something in it. It's kinda like having that gastrointestinal by-pass surgery without going under the knife. With that surgery, they make the big tummy into a very small pouch that can only hold 2 or 3 ounces of food at a time. That's what you will need to do when you get to know Ana very well. Your tummy will shrink over time so that you will not be able to eat a whole apple at one sitting without being full to your ears. The hard part is the journey to getting your tummy to that goal of not wanting anything more than a few sips. Fasting helps, but it's only temporary and you usually wind up just binging afterwards and stretching yourself out again.

TIPS:

fasting is a very precise thing, and it varies from each person. Some may be able to fast for 2 weeks straight and not bing afterwards. Some can accomplish the "I'm not hungry" feeling in 3 or 4 days. Some people, like fat-ass me, may do good for 1 or 2 days and then blow it cause she gets too hungry. The trick is to find out which day amount works for you. Don't be afraid to experiment. What works for me will not work for everyone. And so far, what's been working for everyone else is not shaving the fat off my thighs, lol.

Hunger

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:37:37 GMT

Isn't she absolutely GEORGIOUS??!!!! I want those abs and hip bones!!!

Today's topic is hunger. Being BFF with Ana means you will always be one of two things: hungry and irritable, or full and miserable. It's your choice. I personally like that light feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know once my stomach starts demanding food that I'm starting to burn fat for fuel.

Yesterday I was pretty good. I ate a few bites of the juice off of chicken and dumplings. No dumplings, onlly the juice and few bits of the broiled chicken. I bombed a few hours later when I binged on 8 of those little powdered donuts and drank a half glass of milk. Afterwards my stomach hurt and I felt worse than I did before I ate. I wanted to go purge myself, but I have learned the hard way that purging anything with flour in it poses a choking hazzard on the revisit. The only way to purge pastries or bread or pasta is to drink LOTS of fluids with it, and that's WHILE you are eating it. Drinking a bunch of fluids after the fact doesn't really do anything since it's not mixed up very well. At least I didn't eat for the rest of the day, but when I got on the scales this morning I had gained 1.5 lbs.

Well, that's it for today's post. With Ana, you have to learn to live with hunger. Trust me, it's better to be empty and hungry than to be full. When you are full, you are not burning calories. For my next post, I will share a few good recipes and other things that will keep your tummy from rumbling so much.

My Prayer

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 18:26:15 GMT

Food is my enemy, I shall not want. It maketh me to question my weight daily. It leadith me down the road of temptation. It tests my willpower for its own sake. Yes, though I walk through the valley of fat, I will fear no food, for my determination is strong. The water and broth, they comfort me. Life has prepared a table laiden with sweets of all kinds, but I will not give in. Surely the hunger will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in fear of the scales forever.

Pickles

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 18:05:02 GMT

It's Monday again and I'm starving. To top things off, my 4 year old is screaming she's hungry. So now I got to go make PB&Js for them and it's just gonna make me hungrier. How on earth am I suppose to lose weight if I'm always having to cook and be around food???? I am SOOOOO WEAK I just want to go drown myself in the toilet!!!!!

Okay, enough of that. Today's subject is pickles. Pickles and bullion cubes are the foods of the gods. Just think about it. Pickles have no calories or fat. And you'd have to eat like 5 lbs of them to get your daily allowance of carbs. So when I want a salty snack, instead of grabbing those yummy potato chips that I really want, I just snack on some pickles. I get salt and taste, and I don't blow my diet. It's also an easy way to start a fast. Instead of just fasting cold turkey, cause I'm a fat ass weakling, I spend a day or two restricting myself to just a few bites of pickles from time to time accompanied by gallons and gallons of water.

Now about those bullion cubes. They only have like 5 calories per cube and one cube will make a nice cup, cup and a half of broth. So that's another thing I use to help me start a fast. Drink 2 or 3 cups of that a day one day, one less cup the next day, by the 3rd or 4th day you can start fasting and in a week to 10 days, you'll all done. Then, to not blow that fast, you reverse the pickles and bullion cubes. You know, start with 1 or 2 cups a day, up it the next, and spend about another week slowly bringing your food intake back. In two weeks your stomach shrinks a pretty good bit, so after a few bites, STOP EATING. You stretch your stomach out again and you can put more food, i.e., more calories into your body and the next thing you know, you're a fat ass like me again.

Tomorrow's topic: hunger.